Meh-hum-bug

I am having a really hard time getting excited about Christmas...I'm not exactly bah-hum-bug screw the holidays grumpy but I am very indifferent. It's kind of sad because its Maxwell's 1st Christmas and I should be excited. Instead of going all out for the wee man we've done practically nothing. Haven't put a tree up, no Christmas carols playing and our only decoration up is a wreath on our front door.

I think part of the reason is I know we won't be here Xmas day (heading up to my parents). I'm sure if we were hosting I'd make some effort but I can't find the gumption this year. It's shameful really... I was able to get my act together last year in the wake of grieving the twins one year milestone and growing morning sickness. I guess my only saving grace is Maxwell is still so young and won't remember my slacking his first Christmas and we can take lots of pics at my parents house that will be decorated.

While decorating at this point is probably pointless, I will try to make a little effort in the next few days. Mandatory holiday music as I wrap presents (I did get the shopping done relatively easily) and maybe some baking before we head north.

I've got to try...the wee man deserves it! After all he is the best gift ever!

Hand-me-down Halloween and a Hurricane

My the time is flying! M keeps my days full and only recently have I had the energy to stay up past putting him to bed around 8pm.

Our local Halloween celebrations have been postponed due to Hurricane Sandy. I live in NJ just to the west of NYC and we are EXTREMELY lucky. We have power when millions do not, we didn't have flooding because we are just enough inland and very few limbs fell off our trees. I feel so very fortunate and absolutely heart broken for those who have lost so much. We have vacationed with friends at the shore for the last several years (except this year due to M's arrival) and so many places are destroyed beyond recognition.

I also lived in NYC for many years and its whereI met my Brooklynite husband...and it too has been ravaged by Sandy. The stories of loss, devastation and helplessness have brought me to my knees. If I didn't have Maxwell to care for I would be there doing whatever I could. Instead I am putting my money where my hands can't help.

It's been a week of ups and downs...on one hand every day with M brings me so much joy, punctuated by heartache of what I see Sandy has done and living through another holiday without William & Ethan.

Just after Halloween two years ago I went shopping with my Mom. I was pregnant with my twins and Mom was determined to buy them their first Halloween outfits. There were these adorable jack o' lantern sweatsuits on sale. We picked out a size we thought might fit. Just about a month later they were born and gone and the sweatsuits stuffed in a bin that went straight to the attic.

That bin was pulled out when M was born because it had the very few baby things we kept. I've debated what to do with those pumpkin sweatsuits. When it came down to it I wanted a cute picture of M to share with friends and family. Those sweatsuits were M's size...there was part of me that wanted to keep them in the bin. Then the thought popped in to my head...if my twins had lived M would wear their hand-me-downs. Why not let him wear one of the sweatsuits? After all, it is an unworn hand-me-down. And when it comes down to it, seeing my living son brought me (and my family and friends) more joy than pain.

Seriously...M is one adorable little pumpkin!

Amazing, Tired, Content

Three words that sum up life with Maxwell. During the wee hours when I am nursing him I think of all the things that I would like to share...but it often disappears into the haze of my exhaustion!

Maxwell is doing fabulous especially for arriving 6 weeks early. He nurses well and I am pushing my way through almost hourly feedings (can you say growth spurt!) an watching in awe as he changes daily.

My 5lb baby has doubled in size in his precious 8 weeks of life. I have started packing away his newborn clothing an remembering how it wasnt that long ago that (mere weeks) that he was swimming in these now snug outfits!

I am grateful that I am on maternity leave and can watch first hand all of his growth. We are currently evaluating the impact of me taking the whole school year off. I am ready panicking about going back...I don't want to miss a second and my brain is complete mush with lack of sleep and I can't imagine teaching in this state! I know it will get better but there will still be times where sleep doesn't happen (growth spurts, teething, illness, etc).

Basically, in spite of the lack of sleep, life feels good! I have the occasional teary moment contemplating what life could have been like with William and Ethan but mostly we are all smiles.

Here's a peek at what makes my heart sing!

Maxwell is home!!!

The past two weeks have been a whirl wind of visits to Maxwell in NICU, the joy of bringing him home this past Wednesday and caring for him ever since. It has been exhausting, wonderful and everything I have wanted!

I am feeling so lucky on a variety of levels...I have my sweet boy at home, he is pretty easy going, he has a reasonable eating schedule as a result of life in the NICU and is way better at breastfeeding than I am! Basically not only is he a dream come true but he is a dream baby to care for...I know that could change at any moment but the last four days have been amazing.

I could gush on and on but really... The photos speak for themselves.

My joy

Maxwell is doing well in the NICU but there are tiny hiccoughs in his progress (jaundice, not gaining weight). I absolutely am not complaining because so many others who have experienced much scarier things. I have learned in the last 6 days that my expectations and hopes of bringing Maxwell home sooner rather than later take the backseat compared to doing what is best for my Lil man.

I thought i would share some pictures of my joy!!!

Hello baby!

Yesterday my doctor decided it was time to bring Speck into the world! The induction went reasonably well (birth story to follow at a later date) and my beautiful baby boy made it safely in to my arms. Hearing his cry was the most beautiful, heart-lifting sound I have ever heard...I was crying as much as he was!

After much debate, and the suggestion of one of the NICU nurses in attendance at the delivery, we used our top two choices to name our adorable Maxwell Alexander. He has quite a bit of dark hair, a dimple on on his right check that turns me in to goo every single time I see it and makes hilarious faces already.

For being exactly 34 weeks, Maxwell weighed in at 5lbs 1oz and was 18 1/2" long. He's a small fry (for now) but I dread the idea of how large he could have been if I made it to full term! Right now Maxwell is in the NICU and will be there for a bit. He didn't need oxygen support and hasn't needed feeding support so far. He is jaundiced and needs a course of antibiotics since my water broke 2 1/2 weeks ago. Those two factors will keep him in NICU for at least 3 days. I'm guessing a minimum of a week but only time will tell.

My heart is so much lighter and at the same time I miss William and Ethan so much more. This is an interesting place to be...and unlike anything I could have imagined. I yearn for what could have been while falling head over heels in love with what I have. I thought that all of these feelings would conflict but they just are and feel somewhat unrelated.

Any way you look at it, Maxwell has captured my heart!!!

Eviction Notice

Speck has received his eviction notice from my doctor...I will be induced sometime this coming weekend. Being a planner it is nice to know then when, but not knowing the specifics is making me a little stir crazy! I know the timing depends on the available beds in labor & delivery, my doctor's availability (active labor trumps my induction) and other factors I can't imagine at this point. What's important is he is going to be born this weekend!!! Sunday would be fun because it's my Dad's birthday (and a few other friends as well).

I have been doing my best not to completely freak out. This is scary stuff, even if Speck wasn't going to be premature. There is a PTSD creeping in with a flood of memories of William and Ethan's delivery. Then there is the fear of something going wrong for Speck either during or after delivery. And let us not forget my fear of being induced and all the craziness that can happen there...labor progressing slowly and lasting an eternity which could lead to a c-section or on the flip side labor progressing rapidly with crazy intense contractions. I still, without a doubt, feel that I'll do anything to make sure Speck gets here safe and sound.

Yesterday I got to take a field
trip to the NICU...hooray for leaving my room for the first time in 16 days! It did ease my mind a little to see it (I am not in the hospitals where my twins were born or where E spent a day in NICU) but it brought back more memories that choked me up and later brought on a the tears. I think the hardest part was wheeling by (I am not allowed to walk further than my bathroom so I was in a wheelchair) a bassinet with a decorated name tag that said Ethan. I couldn't actually see the baby inside, but it was a punch to the chest just the same. It is amazing how fast and furious grief and memories come flooding back.

While I wait (anxiously, nervously)for Speck I am trying to focus on the love and excitement and less on the scary
stuff.

He'll be here soon...holy cow!!!

33+1

I am coming up on two weeks of bring in the hospital and bed rest isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Thankfully Speck has been able to stay put and continue to grow to give him every possible advantage when he does finally get here. I also love having three NSTs a day ...nothing in the world sounds better to me than that galloping heartbeat!

I do know that some time in the next 2-3 weeks Speck will be here. That is such a mind boggler! Obviously I much prefer he spend as much time baking as possible, but if we make it to 35 weeks I'll be induced and that kind of freaks me out. My "birth plan" went out the window when my water broke but preference is still for a natural, spontaneous birth. What trumps everything is Speck's well being so if that means induction or c-section then so be it.

Since my water broke so early I am no where close to being ready for Speck's arrival. Well thats not 100% true. We do have a car seat, we ordered a stroller and it arrived, my parents brought down a refinished cradle that was mine and last week I ordered a custom mattress for it. The crib is out of the attic (a hand-me-down from my sister in law) but no mattress or sheets, no clothing other than the two take home outfits I bought, no diapers, no bathing supplies...luckily you don't need very much for a newborn, but some things are essential!

My darling hubby and my family (in town for a visit last week) have been wonderful about getting Speck's future room cleared out so it can be set up (it is our old office).

So much to do and so little time!

Still Baking...

Just a quick update and a thank you!

All of your kind words and thoughts have kept me feeling positive and calm (I'll post more about that over on twopiecesofmyheart.blogspot.com)

Speck is still thriving in his slightly downsized quarters. Tomorrow we will reach goal number 1 (since my water broke on Tuesday) which is 32 weeks. The next goal is to get me to somewhere around 34-35 weeks. If we make it that far I'll be induced, otherwise if I go into labor we'll meet Speck sooner.

Here's hoping I have more uneventful updates to share in the next few weeks!

Deja Vous but Different.

So today we got thrown quite a curve ball...and I'm quite proud of my self for not freaking the frak out! Because in all honesty, I think a day like today totally warrants it.

This morning, around 4:30am, my water broke. I woke up and pop. That familiar feeling followed by a flood. There was no question in my mind what had just happened and I had a quick flashback to the night my water broke for my boys...but pulled it together right away since I had to make sure Speck was ok.

I woke up my hubby, called my ob's office and got myself ready to go. My doctor (one of two at my practice) was not the one to call me back, but thankfully happened to be at the hospital for other things after we got settled in. I love her!

So, long (and somewhat boring) story short...Speck is still hanging out in his slightly less padded womb, I am not in labor (cervix still closed) and Speck has been practically perfect through out the monitoring all day. Since he seems to hanging tight they are tapering back on monitoring, moved me to a post-partum room (very close to l&d should things change) and making sure that infection is prevented with antibiotics. I've received a steroid shot to help push along Speck's lung development and will get another in the morning.

I am very grateful for the level of care I have received so far. I am also grateful that Speck is measuring ahead at his current 31 weeks, 3 days and might be weighing in at just under 5lbs.

While some things are the same, this is a very different and more hopeful story so far. Here's hoping Speck stays in as long as possible and has as few complications as possible when he does make his way in to the world.

Right now I am looking forward to a (hopefully) long, boring, uneventful stay in the hospital...at least until it's time to bring Speck in to this world safely and, more importantly, alive.

A Hop of Faith

It isn't quite a leap and more than shuffle...a hop seems about right.

Some how time has been flying and I am already at 31 weeks. The potential of this baby actually coming home with us feels more real...even in spite of the multitude of reasons I know where things could go horribly wrong.

That being said, we have started to "prepare" as best we can. Even though my baby shower for William & Ethan was just hours before they were born we returned or donated all if the generous gifts we received. We have very little for this new baby which is not all bad. We hadn't even prepared the nursery for the twins but have had a crib in the attic from my sister in law this whole time. But we are ready to get ready and that means some purchasing had to happen.

A ordered a glider for the baby's room, the hubby ordered a car seat and today I made a few purchases for my hospital bag. Buying an outfit (or two) freaked me out the most. I gave tried to do this three times and left the store empty handed. Today I did it...I purchased two things for Speck. The kind of sad part is that I was able to actually go through with it because I could make the justification that live or die, my Speck will need an outfit. Such is the thought process of a baby-loss parent.

My two very good friends have little boys and have generously offered me bins of clothing and toys. I received 3 bins of mostly 12-24 month sized clothing but I am allowing it to be in the house. More is coming and I can't quite fully wrap my head around the fact that Speck will get to wear this stuff.

On a completely different note, today was my last day with students and tomorrow is my last staff day at school. The year has flown and I have been doing my best to prepare my classroom for my maternity leave sub. Not being there in the Fall to organize/put away my supplies freaks me out a little. Leaving my students and room in the hands of someone else is such a bizarre feeling. On one hand I am feeling a little OCD and worried. On the other hand I know that this is a great thing because I'll be home with our little guy once he gets here.

See...I am trying to believe this is going to work out ok. Little steps and hops of faith.

On to the third trimester...

It is a really strange feeling to have every day be the most pregnant I've ever been. To be entering a whole new trimester just boggles my mind.

My hubby keeps asking me if we are out of the "danger zone" and my response is always the same. We will never be out of danger of loosing this baby...it can happen at any time for any number of reasons. I wish I could just say, yes, we are safe.

On a brighter note, things are going well so far. I now see my OB every two weeks at my last appointment I passed my glucose test and all bloodwork came back normal. Speck is moving like crazy and when I do kick counts (which I never got to do for William & Ethan) we average 10-15 min to get 10 major movements. I even had some very visible movements about a week ago and recorded it so hubby could see...it was pretty wild! Although I rarely felt kicks with my twins, Ethan would roll and shift and it was occasionally visible. William was so much lower and further back that he made his presence known by pushing against my bladder.

I think feeling Speck move has to be the very best part of being pregnant. I have few "complaints" so i would definitely categorize myself as having a relatively easy pregnancy (apart from the fear, worry and anxiety). I even revel in the not so fun aspects if pregnancy...feet swollen, huh look at that...gotta pee for the second time in less than an hour, hey at least I'm hydrated! Honestly, after dealing with infertility and loss I truly am grateful to be pregnant and for being the most pregnant I've ever been.

While I can't say there is a huge amount of relief getting closer to my due date, it is, however, pretty awe inspiring. With every day that passes I start to believe this might all work out...all of the worry and fear (and the awe and hope) will be worth it. Only time will tell.

Trying to Be Your "Average" Pregnant Women

The alternate title for this post would be "why I went to see 'What.to.Expect,' the movie."

Yup...I went and saw it...a pretty unlikely movie choice for a baby loss momma who has battled unknown fertility issues. Honestly the only reason I decided I wanted to go see it was because I needed to laugh at a completely Hollywood-ized depiction of pregnancy. My experiences with pregnancy have been so atypical and stressful that I just needed one night of feeling average or normal.

(FYI...spoilers ahead)

It was not the best movie I've ever seen but I also liked that it wasn't completely shiny happy perfect either. Granted it does have happy endings for pretty much everyone in spite of touching on infertility, adoption, miscarriage, preterm labor and a near miss with maternal death. I laughed, I was cynical and shed not one single tear...ironic since a commercial made me cry a few hours earlier.

Mostly I sat comfortably with the illusion that I was just another pregnant lady seeing this cheesy flick with a girl friend...happily feeling my boy kicking away pretty much the whole time. I left most of my worries at home for a few hours. While the movie might not have been fantastic, the illusion of normalcy was completely worth it.

The Hair Dilemma

In my last post I mentioned that I had a bizarre pregnancy symptom...icky hair. To be more precise the hair on the top (and only the top) of my head gradually got more and more greasy. It wasn't exactly greasy, waxy would be more accurate. No matter how much I washed it would not go away. It looked like I hadn't washed my hair in months.

After some web searching I tried a few things that worked for others...dish soap (cuts grease usually), vinegar rinses, dry shampoo. None of it worked. I had two more last ditch plans: baby shampoo and seeing my hair stylist. The day I called my stylist she was not in so I left a message. Afterwards I went and bought baby shampoo.

I don't know what kind of magic is used in the making of baby shampoo but is is seriously a miracle worker (it got loads of hairspray residue out if my hair in the late 80s when huge hair was in) and it got the bizarro hormone induced waxy mess that was my hair back to normal! From now on if my hair is icky, baby shampoo is my go-to product!!!

Honestly... If waxy head means I'm pregnant and stay that way as long as possible I'll live with it. Honestly, if I was told shaving my head would get this little boy safely in my arms I would do it in a heartbeat if not faster.

New Territory

I am now more pregnant than I have ever been...it is scary and exciting! William and Ethan arrived far too early at 23w6d. Today I am 24w1d and simultaneously relieved and terrified.

I am so relieved to make it this far with relative ease. Emotionally it is not easy being pregnant after loss. Physically I have been extraordinarily lucky so far. I have no complaints and every symptom manageable. (Except last week's weird waxy hair dilemma which I will say more about later.) From here on I don't know what to expect since this is brand new territory pregnancy-wise.

The nervousness and anxiety has not gone away...it may have multiplied! After experiencing the loss of my first two sons, I know how quickly and unexpectedly things can go from fine to devastating. Just because we are now further along with this baby, there is still so much that can go wrong. At no point will I feel "safe" that everything will turn out fine.

I have let hope back into my heart and and I know that if something should go wrong this time...well...to be honest I just can't imagine what it will do to me. I'll live...I survived the deaths of William and Ethan. But I am not sure that I will recover. As much as I tried to guard my heart, I can't deny that once again I have fallen head over heals for this new baby.

There's no going back...no retreating from this new territory. One day at a time is one step closer to August. I may be scared out of my wits but I would rather sprint forward to see what is next!

Was not going to go there...

Oh, but I have!

I wasn't going to plan much for Speck...only the necessities, not the nursery design, not a stroller, none of it until it was almost time for his arrival because I know all the things that could change and go horribly wrong before this is a real live take home baby.

Except that crazy thing called hope did more than creep back in after we found out it is a boy nestled in there. As a matter of fact hope came around and took over all logical sense that I had! I know have a Pinterest board for planning the Nursery, have pretty much decided on a stroller and contemplated a name or two.

I wasn't going to do this...it seemed like an impossibility. But now that I know my boys have a new brother I feel the incredible need to celebrate this pregnancy more than I have so far...I think I am finally connected to Speck in a way I hadn't been until now. This is real and as terrified as I am that something could go wrong, I have fallen head over heals for Speck.

He is mine and I am his Mom, no matter what may come in the next 19 weeks. I am in love, again, more than I thought I could be.

I wasn't going to let this much hope back in, but hope can be kind of pushy I guess. Just to show hope that I haven't lost my mind I will make plans, but I won't make any purchases any time soon. That full on investment can wait a bit longer!

On track...

This week, in the lead up to the "big" ultrasound (aka the anatomy scan), was a bit rough on the anxiety scale. I was thrown over the edge yesterday when the Hubby found out that he would not be able to join me. Ugh!

All said and done, the scan went very well with the exception of the Speck not changing positions to get a perfect view of the heart. The tech assured me things look fine, they just need measurements from a different angle to be 100% sure.

And there was very little doubt that this baby is most definitely a boy! More than once he was flaunting his goods...so much so that the tech couldn't help but chuckle.

It is such a huge relief to know that everything is looking good (baby is on track and cervix still crazy long) especially with the hormone induced emotions coupled with the anxiety of being a Babyloss Mama. I know this sense of relief will only last a short time, but it is so much better than the alternative.

I am a mother of three boys! Fingers crossed that this one gets to come home to live with us!

Halfway

20 Weeks...half way to a full term pregnancy. That is today's milestone and all I really want is to make it all the way to the end and bring home a living baby.

Last time I made it only to 23w6d...4 weeks past where I am today. That is a scary thought, but this time it's different. A singleton vs twin pregnancy will hopefully make a difference.

Next week is our anatomy scan...I am nervous about things being ok with the baby and ok with my cervix. I am excited about finding out the sex of the baby...we are big planners so not knowing would drive us batty! So I am trying to balance the nervousness with the excitement.

The motto is "so far so good" and here's hoping it stays that way!!!

Caught in between different opinions...

Friday we got another peak at Speck who is right on target in size and estimated weight. Along with that great news we found out my cervix is ridiculously long (at least 4.5cm). That is also good, but when I was pregnant with my boys it was nice and long until it wasn't...but that is why I am now going to checked every two weeks.

The hard part of all of this (apart from all the anxiety of being pregnant after loss) is that my regular OB and my high risk doctor disagree about the 17p shots I started last week (and had 2 by Friday's appt). The regular OB is thinking along the lines of better safe than sorry. The high risk doctor does not see me as an ideal candidate and feels the risks do not out weigh the potential benefits at this point. Unmm...risks? She kind of rushed through those last time I saw her but this time she pointed out one of the greatest risks is fetal demise. Wait... What!?! Yeah, that is a risk I am not willing to take if there are other options we can utilize if there are any changes.

Hubby and I agree that we aren't willing to gamble if there may not be a need to. My regular OB's theory of better safe than sorry isn't sitting so well knowing now. Both doctors agree that this pregnancy, being a singleton vs. twins, has better odds and there is currently no evidence to suggest any other problems other than my body was not capable of carrying a twin pregnancy to term.

So I guess the shots are on hold and we continue to monitor. More wait and see...but that's ok with me.

We are 16 going on 17...

Weeks that is. And with the 16th week lots of new monitoring/prevention is happening.

Yesterday a nurse came by to administer my first 17-P shot. Nurse M is a pro and super slick at giving what could be a very uncomfortable shot. It is an intermuscular injection (in the glute) and not so different from the Prog.esterone shots from our round of IVF for my boys. My hubby administered those and half the time they HURT...ALOT! For anyone who has to endure a shot in their behind, Nurse M had me lean over a chair, make my feet pigeon-toed and gave the shot pretty high in the muscle (almost my hip). I barely felt the needle go in she is that skilled! I also got to hear Specks heartbeat two times (once before and after the injection as part of my vital signs check) and since I will have these weekly I will get to hear the heartbeat a lot more often. More opportunities to confirm everything is ok? Yes please!!!

The 17-P shots are viewed differently by my two doctors (reg ob & high risk)...the high risk doctor didn't think they were necessary, my ob says if it doesn't cause harm why take a chance by not doing it. Being hyper cautious about nearly everything I am going with the cover all the bases attitude. Better safe than sorry is not a bad motto!
I think the shots do make me feel a little icky the day after, but we'll see how I do with next weeks before I make any judgements.

On Friday I see my high risk doctor again and we start with the cervical checks via ultrasound. This is one will be the first and sets the baseline. I get to go back every two weeks to keep on top of any changes. I feel like a scared kid telling her about getting the shots anyway...but somehow I am sure she will understand the reasoning.

So far so good...I feel movement occasionally (mostly in the morning when I am laying on my back) and definitely growing out of my regular pants. This pregnancy is feeling so much more real and a lot less abstract. It feels like things are going so fast, but I think that is a good thing. I feel like hope is growing stronger with each passing day. Even though fear and anxiety are always present, hope is winning.

14 Weeks, So long 1st Trimester

As far as I can tell things are going well. Other than the obvious nervousness and insanely crazy anxiety dreams I keep having (which I won't describe because they are that disturbing) I feel ok about this pregnancy so far.

Thanks to my expanding waistline I now need to use the rubber band trick on nearly all of my pants! I even broke out some of my maternity clothing and I forgot I had I great pair of low-waisted jeans that are uber comfy (not the full panel kind). It won't be long before it is pretty obvious that I am preggers and not just munching too many donuts, which I am but that is besides the point.

The only challenge I am having is sharing our news. Not so excited about that to be honest. Those closest to me already know and I have told a few other people but I am not planning any grand announcement. I think hubby would like to, but I have real reservations. Other than being terrified that something will go wrong, there is no reason not to share this pregnancy. My principle wants to let the staff know (mainly so they don't ask me for lots of extra project help and won't be surprised if I am suddenly put on leave) and I am kind of dreading dealing with all of the extra attention.

My next appointment with my regular OB is this coming Tuesday. A little confirmation that things are still ok would be wonderful...please, oh, please let everything be ok!!!

Hello there!

Seeing this on the screen washed away the worries for just a moment...

Looking good!

Today was my first appointment with my regular OB...I was more than a little nervous, had a laundry list of questions and needed a lot of reassurance that everything was ok.

One thing I love about my doctor is that she usually answers my questions before I even ask them. As soon as she walked into the exam room, after she told me how thrilled she was for me, she immediately laid out her plan. I was a little caught off guard, but had her review it again during our q&a in her office.

Basically the general plan is to have a consult appointment with a MFM specialist in which, if it goes as she anticipates, I will have regular cervical monitoring and additional appointments. If signs of dilation or funneling occur we will discuss a cerclage, bedrest, etc. In addition, my doctor thinks progesterone support, in the form of P17 shots, will help. Apparently there is a company that comes to your house to administer the shots.

That is basically it for now, but as she said, the plan will develop as my pregnancy progresses. I can live with that. The only part of the plan that I didn't really get settled was my time at work. She didn't feel that at this stage being on my feet as much as I am was a concern, but was understanding of my concern. She did say that the MFM may have more to say. The one thing that she was concerned about was my exposure to germs, but that short of wearing a mask I was doing the best I can and to continue to have conversations with the school nurse about what is going around.

My exam ended on the best possible note...another peek at our ever growing speck! It was such a relief to see the flutter of the heart beat and a joy to see Speck twist and wave! S/he was very wiggly which squelched the biggest fear I had...whew!

Trying not to let the fear in...

Being pregnant after experiencing preterm labor/infant loss is tricky. On one hand I am scared out of my ever-loving mind that something is going to go horribly wrong...again. On the other hand they excitement of a new life and all the hope that comes with it feels so new and fresh. After a year of living with the deep, dark, heart-wrenching grief after losing my sons, this new hope and excitement feels like a light clicked on in the middle of the night...a bit blinding, a little painful, but easier to look towards as each day passes.

Balance is my new goal...I know that my fears are not going to go away and will probably increase with each passing week but I do not want them to over-run my love and excitement for this new little speck! Yes, my excitement is tempered by all the possible ways this pregnancy could end badly. To those who know I have said, "I will enjoy this pregnancy for however long it lasts." Will it be devastating if it ends before it should...absolutely! I just don't want to regret enjoying it for what it is...a new speck of hope with so much possibility.

With all of that said, last night I was scared out of my mind by some spotting. Hubby wasn't home and for about 1/2 an hour I was a basket case. The ridiculous part is that I know what caused it and that is how I eventually calmed my self down. Spotting is very common when using pro.gesterone in vaginal suppository form. It is very easy to poke a cervix with the applicator causing very light spotting. It happened several times while I was pregnant with my boys and I was kind of surprised it hadn't happened yet this time. Even when you know what is going on, any spotting is scary shit!!! Thankfully it was a short lived event and has not happened since.

On a more positive note, Speck seems to really like raspberries. Being the off season locally I am grateful that other warm climates that are feeding this craving! Not to mention good sales at various grocery stores since I am clearing a pint every day or so! Hubby takes the berry craving as further evidence that Speck is a girl...the boys really liked bacon, clearly a more manly food in hubby's opinion. The poor guy might go crazy (crazier?) in the remaining 7-10 weeks until we find out!

Speaking of raspberries...I need a snack!

We have graduated!

This morning we got a peak at the (much larger than a) speck. With a nice strong heartbeat and measurements spot on we graduated from the RE and our next appointment us with my regular OB.

Whew!

The first few days after our ultrasounds I feel pretty good about how things are going but by the time the night before the next appointment I am a nervous wreck again. Thankfully it isn't too long until my appointment with my regular OB (2/1). I am actually pretty anxious to speak with her about what plans we need to make to reduce my risk of preterm labor (more on that in another post) and what to expect for my level of care this time around.

Hubby is still convinced its a girl and is rather put out that we have to wait so long for confirmation! I'll laugh if he is wrong but even harder if he's right!

A Peak at the Speck...

Yesterday I got to breath a small sigh of relief. It was ultrasound day...the chance to see who (or rather how many babies) I was carrying and if there was a heartbeat. This is a much anticipated appointment as you can imagine and I think I get one more good peak before we are released to my regular OB.

With relief we indeed see a heartbeat, and only one heartbeat. It was a beautiful, amazing sound that provided so much comfort to my stressed out nerves. So far, so good.

I am thrilled, and some what relieved, that I have one thriving speck. This is the next check point on the path towards a live, take home baby.

At the same time part of me is grieving the loss of a second chance at being a twin momma. In my heart I know that my risk factor is reduced by carrying a singleton, but that didn't quell  the tiniest bit of hope that maybe I might still get that chance at twins.

On a rather funny note the hubby saw the one little speck we have and pronounced that is a girl during the ultrasound. The doctor, with out missing a beat said, "Of course, she has beautiful hair." I burst out laughing. The hubby tends to get strong feelings like this so we shall see if he is right!

A new year, a new blog...

A new pregnancy and a new chance at hope.

After loosing my sons, William and Ethan, hope became a stranger. Hope was something I could not dare to include in my life. I felt like hope died with them.

But a funny thing happened when I found out I was pregnant again a year after loosing my sons. Hope started to grow again. Dealing with infertility, infant loss and all that come with those heady subjects doesn't leave a whole lot of room for smiles and especially hope. But with this pregnancy hope is growing...whether I like it or not!

My other blog is about my sons and my grief. It did not feel like the right place to watch this new hope and new pregnancy grow and take shape. That is their place...my sons' place...and this is this new speck's place. There will of course be over lap but out of sensitivity and respect for my boys and small cadre of readers separate is best.

So here we (me and my speck or specks?) are...sharing a journey that I resolve to enjoy however long it lasts.

Right now I am 6weeks, 2 days pregnant. It is still beyond belief. Since we conceived using IVF (our 2nd FET using embies frozen after the fresh IVF cycle that resulted in me getting pregnant with William and Ethan) I am closely monitored and after a pregnancy that ended with me going in to pre-term labor I am sure this will continue throughout my pregnancy.

Last week we saw a gestational sac...the first of many check-points along the way to what will (hopefully) be a successful pregnancy. I know all too well that there are many, many ways this could all go wrong...but the goal is getting a living, breathing, take home baby. This week we have an ultrasound to see the heartbeat(s). I am qualifying everything as a possible multiple because two embies were transferred. I know we only saw one gest sac, but that is what we saw with the boys and didn't discover it was twins until the heartbeat check. My instinct says there is just one speck in there, but my instincts have proven wrong before...I was convinced I was carrying a boy and a girl last time until the anatomy scan proved me wrong!

A few more days and we will know for sure, hopefully pass the next check point of seeing a beating heart(s?). There is still so far to go, but for now I will try not to worry too much (I am going to need a lot of help with that) and take care of myself.

I have had a doozy of a head cold which has put a huge damper on my winter break...no fun and visiting friends because I feel icky. Being pregnant my cold relief options are severely limited. As my mother reminds me everytime I find some sort of doubt caused by this pregnancy, "Isn't it wonderful!" Gotta love that optimism...but really it is. I will take all of the doubt and limitations (and then some) with a smile in order to get this baby (or babies) into my arms alive.