Monday, January 2, 2012

A new year, a new blog...

A new pregnancy and a new chance at hope.

After loosing my sons, William and Ethan, hope became a stranger. Hope was something I could not dare to include in my life. I felt like hope died with them.

But a funny thing happened when I found out I was pregnant again a year after loosing my sons. Hope started to grow again. Dealing with infertility, infant loss and all that come with those heady subjects doesn't leave a whole lot of room for smiles and especially hope. But with this pregnancy hope is growing...whether I like it or not!

My other blog is about my sons and my grief. It did not feel like the right place to watch this new hope and new pregnancy grow and take shape. That is their sons' place...and this is this new speck's place. There will of course be over lap but out of sensitivity and respect for my boys and small cadre of readers separate is best.

So here we (me and my speck or specks?) are...sharing a journey that I resolve to enjoy however long it lasts.

Right now I am 6weeks, 2 days pregnant. It is still beyond belief. Since we conceived using IVF (our 2nd FET using embies frozen after the fresh IVF cycle that resulted in me getting pregnant with William and Ethan) I am closely monitored and after a pregnancy that ended with me going in to pre-term labor I am sure this will continue throughout my pregnancy.

Last week we saw a gestational sac...the first of many check-points along the way to what will (hopefully) be a successful pregnancy. I know all too well that there are many, many ways this could all go wrong...but the goal is getting a living, breathing, take home baby. This week we have an ultrasound to see the heartbeat(s). I am qualifying everything as a possible multiple because two embies were transferred. I know we only saw one gest sac, but that is what we saw with the boys and didn't discover it was twins until the heartbeat check. My instinct says there is just one speck in there, but my instincts have proven wrong before...I was convinced I was carrying a boy and a girl last time until the anatomy scan proved me wrong!

A few more days and we will know for sure, hopefully pass the next check point of seeing a beating heart(s?). There is still so far to go, but for now I will try not to worry too much (I am going to need a lot of help with that) and take care of myself.

I have had a doozy of a head cold which has put a huge damper on my winter fun and visiting friends because I feel icky. Being pregnant my cold relief options are severely limited. As my mother reminds me everytime I find some sort of doubt caused by this pregnancy, "Isn't it wonderful!" Gotta love that optimism...but really it is. I will take all of the doubt and limitations (and then some) with a smile in order to get this baby (or babies) into my arms alive.


  1. Congratulations, Jessica. We're nearly 5 months out from the loss of our twins and discovered our first ART cycle post-loss failed on New Year's Eve. I realize it may take more time to get pregnant again - if we are to be so blessed - but am really struggling with staying optimistic and having any hope (or trust in my body at this point). I'll enjoy following this portion of your journey. (I'm linking to it in the sidebar of my blog, which is currently set to private for a couple more weeks while some work changes sort themselves out. Please let me know if you'd rather not have the link once I'm public again and I'll remove it.)

  2. Will be following you on this blog, too. Hoping 2012 is a brighter year.

  3. Congratulations. I will now follow both your blogs.

  4. Hey there, I'll definitely be with you on this journey... I wish you so much luck and joy with this new pregnancy! I'm so happy things are progressing! I'll still be following your other blog as well, as a fellow BLM.
    Wishing you lots of love in 2012!

  5. Hoping that whatever inhabits your uterus... that it is/they are thriving.

    Hoping for love and life in 2012.

  6. As you said, congrats on passing one if the necessary milestones on your journey to bringing home a baby. I remember feeling that same cautious fear mixed with hope & just had to remind myself throughout Ian's pregnancy one day at a time. Be gentle with yourself, it is an emotional ride pregnancy after loss. Thinking of you & holding so much hope for this babe(s).

  7. I love your new place.. and I hope it feels just right for you mamma. Looking forward to reading along... love and light always!

  8. So happy to follow this part of your journey. Hoping 2012 is the year of hope and rainbow babies xxxooo