I am now more pregnant than I have ever been...it is scary and exciting! William and Ethan arrived far too early at 23w6d. Today I am 24w1d and simultaneously relieved and terrified.
I am so relieved to make it this far with relative ease. Emotionally it is not easy being pregnant after loss. Physically I have been extraordinarily lucky so far. I have no complaints and every symptom manageable. (Except last week's weird waxy hair dilemma which I will say more about later.) From here on I don't know what to expect since this is brand new territory pregnancy-wise.
The nervousness and anxiety has not gone away...it may have multiplied! After experiencing the loss of my first two sons, I know how quickly and unexpectedly things can go from fine to devastating. Just because we are now further along with this baby, there is still so much that can go wrong. At no point will I feel "safe" that everything will turn out fine.
I have let hope back into my heart and and I know that if something should go wrong this time...well...to be honest I just can't imagine what it will do to me. I'll live...I survived the deaths of William and Ethan. But I am not sure that I will recover. As much as I tried to guard my heart, I can't deny that once again I have fallen head over heals for this new baby.
There's no going back...no retreating from this new territory. One day at a time is one step closer to August. I may be scared out of my wits but I would rather sprint forward to see what is next!