Just a quick update and a thank you!
All of your kind words and thoughts have kept me feeling positive and calm (I'll post more about that over on twopiecesofmyheart.blogspot.com)
Speck is still thriving in his slightly downsized quarters. Tomorrow we will reach goal number 1 (since my water broke on Tuesday) which is 32 weeks. The next goal is to get me to somewhere around 34-35 weeks. If we make it that far I'll be induced, otherwise if I go into labor we'll meet Speck sooner.
Here's hoping I have more uneventful updates to share in the next few weeks!
Friday, June 29, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Deja Vous but Different.
So today we got thrown quite a curve ball...and I'm quite proud of my self for not freaking the frak out! Because in all honesty, I think a day like today totally warrants it.
This morning, around 4:30am, my water broke. I woke up and pop. That familiar feeling followed by a flood. There was no question in my mind what had just happened and I had a quick flashback to the night my water broke for my boys...but pulled it together right away since I had to make sure Speck was ok.
I woke up my hubby, called my ob's office and got myself ready to go. My doctor (one of two at my practice) was not the one to call me back, but thankfully happened to be at the hospital for other things after we got settled in. I love her!
So, long (and somewhat boring) story short...Speck is still hanging out in his slightly less padded womb, I am not in labor (cervix still closed) and Speck has been practically perfect through out the monitoring all day. Since he seems to hanging tight they are tapering back on monitoring, moved me to a post-partum room (very close to l&d should things change) and making sure that infection is prevented with antibiotics. I've received a steroid shot to help push along Speck's lung development and will get another in the morning.
I am very grateful for the level of care I have received so far. I am also grateful that Speck is measuring ahead at his current 31 weeks, 3 days and might be weighing in at just under 5lbs.
While some things are the same, this is a very different and more hopeful story so far. Here's hoping Speck stays in as long as possible and has as few complications as possible when he does make his way in to the world.
Right now I am looking forward to a (hopefully) long, boring, uneventful stay in the hospital...at least until it's time to bring Speck in to this world safely and, more importantly, alive.
This morning, around 4:30am, my water broke. I woke up and pop. That familiar feeling followed by a flood. There was no question in my mind what had just happened and I had a quick flashback to the night my water broke for my boys...but pulled it together right away since I had to make sure Speck was ok.
I woke up my hubby, called my ob's office and got myself ready to go. My doctor (one of two at my practice) was not the one to call me back, but thankfully happened to be at the hospital for other things after we got settled in. I love her!
So, long (and somewhat boring) story short...Speck is still hanging out in his slightly less padded womb, I am not in labor (cervix still closed) and Speck has been practically perfect through out the monitoring all day. Since he seems to hanging tight they are tapering back on monitoring, moved me to a post-partum room (very close to l&d should things change) and making sure that infection is prevented with antibiotics. I've received a steroid shot to help push along Speck's lung development and will get another in the morning.
I am very grateful for the level of care I have received so far. I am also grateful that Speck is measuring ahead at his current 31 weeks, 3 days and might be weighing in at just under 5lbs.
While some things are the same, this is a very different and more hopeful story so far. Here's hoping Speck stays in as long as possible and has as few complications as possible when he does make his way in to the world.
Right now I am looking forward to a (hopefully) long, boring, uneventful stay in the hospital...at least until it's time to bring Speck in to this world safely and, more importantly, alive.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
A Hop of Faith
It isn't quite a leap and more than shuffle...a hop seems about right.
Some how time has been flying and I am already at 31 weeks. The potential of this baby actually coming home with us feels more real...even in spite of the multitude of reasons I know where things could go horribly wrong.
That being said, we have started to "prepare" as best we can. Even though my baby shower for William & Ethan was just hours before they were born we returned or donated all if the generous gifts we received. We have very little for this new baby which is not all bad. We hadn't even prepared the nursery for the twins but have had a crib in the attic from my sister in law this whole time. But we are ready to get ready and that means some purchasing had to happen.
A ordered a glider for the baby's room, the hubby ordered a car seat and today I made a few purchases for my hospital bag. Buying an outfit (or two) freaked me out the most. I gave tried to do this three times and left the store empty handed. Today I did it...I purchased two things for Speck. The kind of sad part is that I was able to actually go through with it because I could make the justification that live or die, my Speck will need an outfit. Such is the thought process of a baby-loss parent.
My two very good friends have little boys and have generously offered me bins of clothing and toys. I received 3 bins of mostly 12-24 month sized clothing but I am allowing it to be in the house. More is coming and I can't quite fully wrap my head around the fact that Speck will get to wear this stuff.
On a completely different note, today was my last day with students and tomorrow is my last staff day at school. The year has flown and I have been doing my best to prepare my classroom for my maternity leave sub. Not being there in the Fall to organize/put away my supplies freaks me out a little. Leaving my students and room in the hands of someone else is such a bizarre feeling. On one hand I am feeling a little OCD and worried. On the other hand I know that this is a great thing because I'll be home with our little guy once he gets here.
See...I am trying to believe this is going to work out ok. Little steps and hops of faith.
Some how time has been flying and I am already at 31 weeks. The potential of this baby actually coming home with us feels more real...even in spite of the multitude of reasons I know where things could go horribly wrong.
That being said, we have started to "prepare" as best we can. Even though my baby shower for William & Ethan was just hours before they were born we returned or donated all if the generous gifts we received. We have very little for this new baby which is not all bad. We hadn't even prepared the nursery for the twins but have had a crib in the attic from my sister in law this whole time. But we are ready to get ready and that means some purchasing had to happen.
A ordered a glider for the baby's room, the hubby ordered a car seat and today I made a few purchases for my hospital bag. Buying an outfit (or two) freaked me out the most. I gave tried to do this three times and left the store empty handed. Today I did it...I purchased two things for Speck. The kind of sad part is that I was able to actually go through with it because I could make the justification that live or die, my Speck will need an outfit. Such is the thought process of a baby-loss parent.
My two very good friends have little boys and have generously offered me bins of clothing and toys. I received 3 bins of mostly 12-24 month sized clothing but I am allowing it to be in the house. More is coming and I can't quite fully wrap my head around the fact that Speck will get to wear this stuff.
On a completely different note, today was my last day with students and tomorrow is my last staff day at school. The year has flown and I have been doing my best to prepare my classroom for my maternity leave sub. Not being there in the Fall to organize/put away my supplies freaks me out a little. Leaving my students and room in the hands of someone else is such a bizarre feeling. On one hand I am feeling a little OCD and worried. On the other hand I know that this is a great thing because I'll be home with our little guy once he gets here.
See...I am trying to believe this is going to work out ok. Little steps and hops of faith.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
On to the third trimester...
It is a really strange feeling to have every day be the most pregnant I've ever been. To be entering a whole new trimester just boggles my mind.
My hubby keeps asking me if we are out of the "danger zone" and my response is always the same. We will never be out of danger of loosing this baby...it can happen at any time for any number of reasons. I wish I could just say, yes, we are safe.
On a brighter note, things are going well so far. I now see my OB every two weeks at my last appointment I passed my glucose test and all bloodwork came back normal. Speck is moving like crazy and when I do kick counts (which I never got to do for William & Ethan) we average 10-15 min to get 10 major movements. I even had some very visible movements about a week ago and recorded it so hubby could see...it was pretty wild! Although I rarely felt kicks with my twins, Ethan would roll and shift and it was occasionally visible. William was so much lower and further back that he made his presence known by pushing against my bladder.
I think feeling Speck move has to be the very best part of being pregnant. I have few "complaints" so i would definitely categorize myself as having a relatively easy pregnancy (apart from the fear, worry and anxiety). I even revel in the not so fun aspects if pregnancy...feet swollen, huh look at that...gotta pee for the second time in less than an hour, hey at least I'm hydrated! Honestly, after dealing with infertility and loss I truly am grateful to be pregnant and for being the most pregnant I've ever been.
While I can't say there is a huge amount of relief getting closer to my due date, it is, however, pretty awe inspiring. With every day that passes I start to believe this might all work out...all of the worry and fear (and the awe and hope) will be worth it. Only time will tell.
My hubby keeps asking me if we are out of the "danger zone" and my response is always the same. We will never be out of danger of loosing this baby...it can happen at any time for any number of reasons. I wish I could just say, yes, we are safe.
On a brighter note, things are going well so far. I now see my OB every two weeks at my last appointment I passed my glucose test and all bloodwork came back normal. Speck is moving like crazy and when I do kick counts (which I never got to do for William & Ethan) we average 10-15 min to get 10 major movements. I even had some very visible movements about a week ago and recorded it so hubby could see...it was pretty wild! Although I rarely felt kicks with my twins, Ethan would roll and shift and it was occasionally visible. William was so much lower and further back that he made his presence known by pushing against my bladder.
I think feeling Speck move has to be the very best part of being pregnant. I have few "complaints" so i would definitely categorize myself as having a relatively easy pregnancy (apart from the fear, worry and anxiety). I even revel in the not so fun aspects if pregnancy...feet swollen, huh look at that...gotta pee for the second time in less than an hour, hey at least I'm hydrated! Honestly, after dealing with infertility and loss I truly am grateful to be pregnant and for being the most pregnant I've ever been.
While I can't say there is a huge amount of relief getting closer to my due date, it is, however, pretty awe inspiring. With every day that passes I start to believe this might all work out...all of the worry and fear (and the awe and hope) will be worth it. Only time will tell.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Trying to Be Your "Average" Pregnant Women
The alternate title for this post would be "why I went to see 'What.to.Expect,' the movie."
Yup...I went and saw it...a pretty unlikely movie choice for a baby loss momma who has battled unknown fertility issues. Honestly the only reason I decided I wanted to go see it was because I needed to laugh at a completely Hollywood-ized depiction of pregnancy. My experiences with pregnancy have been so atypical and stressful that I just needed one night of feeling average or normal.
(FYI...spoilers ahead)
It was not the best movie I've ever seen but I also liked that it wasn't completely shiny happy perfect either. Granted it does have happy endings for pretty much everyone in spite of touching on infertility, adoption, miscarriage, preterm labor and a near miss with maternal death. I laughed, I was cynical and shed not one single tear...ironic since a commercial made me cry a few hours earlier.
Mostly I sat comfortably with the illusion that I was just another pregnant lady seeing this cheesy flick with a girl friend...happily feeling my boy kicking away pretty much the whole time. I left most of my worries at home for a few hours. While the movie might not have been fantastic, the illusion of normalcy was completely worth it.
Yup...I went and saw it...a pretty unlikely movie choice for a baby loss momma who has battled unknown fertility issues. Honestly the only reason I decided I wanted to go see it was because I needed to laugh at a completely Hollywood-ized depiction of pregnancy. My experiences with pregnancy have been so atypical and stressful that I just needed one night of feeling average or normal.
(FYI...spoilers ahead)
It was not the best movie I've ever seen but I also liked that it wasn't completely shiny happy perfect either. Granted it does have happy endings for pretty much everyone in spite of touching on infertility, adoption, miscarriage, preterm labor and a near miss with maternal death. I laughed, I was cynical and shed not one single tear...ironic since a commercial made me cry a few hours earlier.
Mostly I sat comfortably with the illusion that I was just another pregnant lady seeing this cheesy flick with a girl friend...happily feeling my boy kicking away pretty much the whole time. I left most of my worries at home for a few hours. While the movie might not have been fantastic, the illusion of normalcy was completely worth it.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
The Hair Dilemma
In my last post I mentioned that I had a bizarre pregnancy symptom...icky hair. To be more precise the hair on the top (and only the top) of my head gradually got more and more greasy. It wasn't exactly greasy, waxy would be more accurate. No matter how much I washed it would not go away. It looked like I hadn't washed my hair in months.
After some web searching I tried a few things that worked for others...dish soap (cuts grease usually), vinegar rinses, dry shampoo. None of it worked. I had two more last ditch plans: baby shampoo and seeing my hair stylist. The day I called my stylist she was not in so I left a message. Afterwards I went and bought baby shampoo.
I don't know what kind of magic is used in the making of baby shampoo but is is seriously a miracle worker (it got loads of hairspray residue out if my hair in the late 80s when huge hair was in) and it got the bizarro hormone induced waxy mess that was my hair back to normal! From now on if my hair is icky, baby shampoo is my go-to product!!!
Honestly... If waxy head means I'm pregnant and stay that way as long as possible I'll live with it. Honestly, if I was told shaving my head would get this little boy safely in my arms I would do it in a heartbeat if not faster.
After some web searching I tried a few things that worked for others...dish soap (cuts grease usually), vinegar rinses, dry shampoo. None of it worked. I had two more last ditch plans: baby shampoo and seeing my hair stylist. The day I called my stylist she was not in so I left a message. Afterwards I went and bought baby shampoo.
I don't know what kind of magic is used in the making of baby shampoo but is is seriously a miracle worker (it got loads of hairspray residue out if my hair in the late 80s when huge hair was in) and it got the bizarro hormone induced waxy mess that was my hair back to normal! From now on if my hair is icky, baby shampoo is my go-to product!!!
Honestly... If waxy head means I'm pregnant and stay that way as long as possible I'll live with it. Honestly, if I was told shaving my head would get this little boy safely in my arms I would do it in a heartbeat if not faster.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
New Territory
I am now more pregnant than I have ever been...it is scary and exciting! William and Ethan arrived far too early at 23w6d. Today I am 24w1d and simultaneously relieved and terrified.
I am so relieved to make it this far with relative ease. Emotionally it is not easy being pregnant after loss. Physically I have been extraordinarily lucky so far. I have no complaints and every symptom manageable. (Except last week's weird waxy hair dilemma which I will say more about later.) From here on I don't know what to expect since this is brand new territory pregnancy-wise.
The nervousness and anxiety has not gone away...it may have multiplied! After experiencing the loss of my first two sons, I know how quickly and unexpectedly things can go from fine to devastating. Just because we are now further along with this baby, there is still so much that can go wrong. At no point will I feel "safe" that everything will turn out fine.
I have let hope back into my heart and and I know that if something should go wrong this time...well...to be honest I just can't imagine what it will do to me. I'll live...I survived the deaths of William and Ethan. But I am not sure that I will recover. As much as I tried to guard my heart, I can't deny that once again I have fallen head over heals for this new baby.
There's no going back...no retreating from this new territory. One day at a time is one step closer to August. I may be scared out of my wits but I would rather sprint forward to see what is next!
I am so relieved to make it this far with relative ease. Emotionally it is not easy being pregnant after loss. Physically I have been extraordinarily lucky so far. I have no complaints and every symptom manageable. (Except last week's weird waxy hair dilemma which I will say more about later.) From here on I don't know what to expect since this is brand new territory pregnancy-wise.
The nervousness and anxiety has not gone away...it may have multiplied! After experiencing the loss of my first two sons, I know how quickly and unexpectedly things can go from fine to devastating. Just because we are now further along with this baby, there is still so much that can go wrong. At no point will I feel "safe" that everything will turn out fine.
I have let hope back into my heart and and I know that if something should go wrong this time...well...to be honest I just can't imagine what it will do to me. I'll live...I survived the deaths of William and Ethan. But I am not sure that I will recover. As much as I tried to guard my heart, I can't deny that once again I have fallen head over heals for this new baby.
There's no going back...no retreating from this new territory. One day at a time is one step closer to August. I may be scared out of my wits but I would rather sprint forward to see what is next!
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