Trying to Be Your "Average" Pregnant Women

The alternate title for this post would be "why I went to see 'What.to.Expect,' the movie."

Yup...I went and saw it...a pretty unlikely movie choice for a baby loss momma who has battled unknown fertility issues. Honestly the only reason I decided I wanted to go see it was because I needed to laugh at a completely Hollywood-ized depiction of pregnancy. My experiences with pregnancy have been so atypical and stressful that I just needed one night of feeling average or normal.

(FYI...spoilers ahead)

It was not the best movie I've ever seen but I also liked that it wasn't completely shiny happy perfect either. Granted it does have happy endings for pretty much everyone in spite of touching on infertility, adoption, miscarriage, preterm labor and a near miss with maternal death. I laughed, I was cynical and shed not one single tear...ironic since a commercial made me cry a few hours earlier.

Mostly I sat comfortably with the illusion that I was just another pregnant lady seeing this cheesy flick with a girl friend...happily feeling my boy kicking away pretty much the whole time. I left most of my worries at home for a few hours. While the movie might not have been fantastic, the illusion of normalcy was completely worth it.

The Hair Dilemma

In my last post I mentioned that I had a bizarre pregnancy symptom...icky hair. To be more precise the hair on the top (and only the top) of my head gradually got more and more greasy. It wasn't exactly greasy, waxy would be more accurate. No matter how much I washed it would not go away. It looked like I hadn't washed my hair in months.

After some web searching I tried a few things that worked for others...dish soap (cuts grease usually), vinegar rinses, dry shampoo. None of it worked. I had two more last ditch plans: baby shampoo and seeing my hair stylist. The day I called my stylist she was not in so I left a message. Afterwards I went and bought baby shampoo.

I don't know what kind of magic is used in the making of baby shampoo but is is seriously a miracle worker (it got loads of hairspray residue out if my hair in the late 80s when huge hair was in) and it got the bizarro hormone induced waxy mess that was my hair back to normal! From now on if my hair is icky, baby shampoo is my go-to product!!!

Honestly... If waxy head means I'm pregnant and stay that way as long as possible I'll live with it. Honestly, if I was told shaving my head would get this little boy safely in my arms I would do it in a heartbeat if not faster.

New Territory

I am now more pregnant than I have ever been...it is scary and exciting! William and Ethan arrived far too early at 23w6d. Today I am 24w1d and simultaneously relieved and terrified.

I am so relieved to make it this far with relative ease. Emotionally it is not easy being pregnant after loss. Physically I have been extraordinarily lucky so far. I have no complaints and every symptom manageable. (Except last week's weird waxy hair dilemma which I will say more about later.) From here on I don't know what to expect since this is brand new territory pregnancy-wise.

The nervousness and anxiety has not gone away...it may have multiplied! After experiencing the loss of my first two sons, I know how quickly and unexpectedly things can go from fine to devastating. Just because we are now further along with this baby, there is still so much that can go wrong. At no point will I feel "safe" that everything will turn out fine.

I have let hope back into my heart and and I know that if something should go wrong this time...well...to be honest I just can't imagine what it will do to me. I'll live...I survived the deaths of William and Ethan. But I am not sure that I will recover. As much as I tried to guard my heart, I can't deny that once again I have fallen head over heals for this new baby.

There's no going back...no retreating from this new territory. One day at a time is one step closer to August. I may be scared out of my wits but I would rather sprint forward to see what is next!