All is well...

Maxwell's surgery went well. So very glad to have him come through it ok and be able let that worry go. There are other worries (is he healing ok, is he in too much pain/discomfort, are the meds making him hyper) but really, the worries never stop even if you are a mother not familiar with the loss of a child. Bottom line is he is alive, well, and home.

Being the charmer he is, M had the nurses fawning over him. He was in pretty decent spirits prior to surgery considering he hadn't nursed since 3am and by surgery time he hadn't taken a nap so he had been awake for just over 4 hours. That turned into the theme of the day...not much sleep. You would think that the surgery would have been taxing enough to bring on lots of sleep especially paired with Tylenol with codeine. Unfortunately...no...the poor babe was wound up, hyper even, and not able to sleep much. Holding him and nursing him was a challenge because our usual comfy snuggle put pressure on his nether region making it uncomfortable or down right scream-inducing painful. And then there was the hyper-activity that drove M to distraction and latching on for more than 2 seconds impossible. We were both exhausted!

Thankfully today the meds don't seem to have the same effects as yesterday and he is resting well. M almost slept through the night and had his meds not worn off I bet he would have slept longer! He didn't even seem to notice his catheter slipped out of his diaper drenching his sleep sack that is how well he slept. This is the most sleep I've had in ages since M always wakes up at least once or twice a night (or every hour on bad nights).

The most helpless feeling in the world is seeing your child in pain and not being able to make it stop. His cries are always hard to hear, but M's crying out in pain is beyond heartbreaking. When it goes on for more than a few minutes everyone in the house becomes a hot mess. The cat (always concerned over Maxwell's noises including laughing) is trying to get close to see what is wrong, Dad is pacing and on edge and Mom is crying almost as much as the baby! Not pretty. I realized I need to be the calming influence since I can't actually take the pain away...a few deep breaths to lower my blood pressure, a quiet soothing voice and a gentle touch is the only tools I have. Hopefully this will pass quickly and the healing will be quick!

The bandages come off tomorrow, the catheter comes out at his follow up appointment in two weeks and hopefully all goes well in the mean time.

Imprinting to Memory

Tomorrow is the big day...Maxwell has his out-patient surgery to correct his hypospadias. To say I am a nervous wreck is still putting it mildly. I spent most of today drinking in my baby boy, holding him tight and taking snapshots of today and committing them to memory...just in case.

Goofy grumbly faces, huge smiles, slobbery kisses, chubby legs kicking in the water, the weight of his body against mine as he drifted off to sleep, his hand reaching out to grab my face as he nursed...all moments that I tried to carefully memorize. They are moments that I enjoy every day and not take for granted because of what I don't have.

I am terrified of the what if that hangs over tomorrow. What if something goes wrong? What if I loose him too? While the surgery is routine, I know that it can all go wrong in an instant. While I am fighting to push that thought to the back of my head, it is a hard battle.

On top of the stress of the surgery, a potentially nasty snow storm is heading our way. It makes the trip to and from the surgical center less than ideal. There is also a knot forming in my stomach because the days around William & Ethan's birth were snowy and the day we lost Ethan there was terrible storm and we barely made it to and from the NICU hospital. This is an entirely different situation, but thanks to a little PTSD the worry feels magnified.

All I want is to get through tomorrow and have my baby boy sleeping in my arms tomorrow night.

Big Happenings!

Finding the time to write is getting harder and harder...especially with so many new things Maxwell! I want to write about them ...but being more active and on the verge of dropping a nap...the time seems to slip by in an instant!

Now that my big boy is 6 months old there are lots of new activities for us to do. A story time at the library, swimming classes and a baby play time at a kids gym. Swim class starts tomorrow and I'm excited! Well, not about putting a swim suit on this post-partum body...but definitely about being in the water with M. He seems to like bath time so hopefully swimming will be fun too.

The other big thing is M has to have surgery next week...complete with general anesthesia. M was born with hypospadias which is a fancy term that means the opening of his urethra is not at the tip of his penis but is on the shaft. We are lucky that is a very basic case and not super serious. Some of the worst cases have the opening behind the scrotum. Maxwell has normal functioning boy bits other wise. The surgery will correct any issues and ensure good functionality when he is older. Believe me talking to the urologist about my son's sexual functions is not something I ever thought (or wanted to talk) about!

I have had major anxiety about the anesthesia including worst case scenario dreams (he never wakes up) and might need meds myself that day! In my head I know that problems are rare...but I've been on the short side of a statistic before and it shattered life as I knew it.

So fingers crossed all goes well with swimming and the surgery!!!

My big boy!

In less than a week Maxwell will be 6 months old! It's mind boggling how fast the time is flying by...and how much I am enjoying being home with him. I will never regret taking this time off and already dread having to go back to work in September.

Yesterday M had his 6 month check up and he is a thriving healthy boy! Like his mommy, he is at the top of the growth chart for height and weight (27.25" and 19.16lbs)!!! Not bad for a 5lb premie that arrived 6 weeks early. I hate to say it but as a boy I hope he won't have the self image issues I grew up with as the biggest girl in my class. I was proportional and a healthy weight for my height but that messes with your head when you are 5'5" in 4th grade and feel like a giant among your tiny classmates.

Sometimes it's hard to remember he was a premie and is on the later end of the developmental milestones, yet still doing things you would expect for his age, when he looks so much older. He is almost bigger than my friend's 10 month old daughter...she is on the move while M is just getting the hang of rolling over and sitting up on his own. I'm certainly in no hurry to see him grow up (the time is going too fast as it is). I just have to remember not to compare.

Maxwell is healthy, happy and thriving and I couldn't be happier! Breastfeeding is going well (with a few painful ups and downs...umm can someone tell me why M decides biting is a great idea during growth spurts and forgets how to latch!?! Ouch!) Our next adventure is venturing into the world of food. His pediatrician gave us the ok to start cereal, which I have mixed feelings about (low nutritional value, arsenic levels found in rice) but the dr said I can try any grain and the store bought cereals are iron fortified so not completely devoid of nutrition. She also said that it is really just a way to thicken up my breast milk (she recommends using breast milk to moisten the cereal) to give him a chance to get used to eating and swallowing thicker food. She also said if he hates it then try purées thinned with breast milk instead. It makes sense I guess...any words of advice from moms already having fun with food?

Meh-hum-bug

I am having a really hard time getting excited about Christmas...I'm not exactly bah-hum-bug screw the holidays grumpy but I am very indifferent. It's kind of sad because its Maxwell's 1st Christmas and I should be excited. Instead of going all out for the wee man we've done practically nothing. Haven't put a tree up, no Christmas carols playing and our only decoration up is a wreath on our front door.

I think part of the reason is I know we won't be here Xmas day (heading up to my parents). I'm sure if we were hosting I'd make some effort but I can't find the gumption this year. It's shameful really... I was able to get my act together last year in the wake of grieving the twins one year milestone and growing morning sickness. I guess my only saving grace is Maxwell is still so young and won't remember my slacking his first Christmas and we can take lots of pics at my parents house that will be decorated.

While decorating at this point is probably pointless, I will try to make a little effort in the next few days. Mandatory holiday music as I wrap presents (I did get the shopping done relatively easily) and maybe some baking before we head north.

I've got to try...the wee man deserves it! After all he is the best gift ever!

Hand-me-down Halloween and a Hurricane

My the time is flying! M keeps my days full and only recently have I had the energy to stay up past putting him to bed around 8pm.

Our local Halloween celebrations have been postponed due to Hurricane Sandy. I live in NJ just to the west of NYC and we are EXTREMELY lucky. We have power when millions do not, we didn't have flooding because we are just enough inland and very few limbs fell off our trees. I feel so very fortunate and absolutely heart broken for those who have lost so much. We have vacationed with friends at the shore for the last several years (except this year due to M's arrival) and so many places are destroyed beyond recognition.

I also lived in NYC for many years and its whereI met my Brooklynite husband...and it too has been ravaged by Sandy. The stories of loss, devastation and helplessness have brought me to my knees. If I didn't have Maxwell to care for I would be there doing whatever I could. Instead I am putting my money where my hands can't help.

It's been a week of ups and downs...on one hand every day with M brings me so much joy, punctuated by heartache of what I see Sandy has done and living through another holiday without William & Ethan.

Just after Halloween two years ago I went shopping with my Mom. I was pregnant with my twins and Mom was determined to buy them their first Halloween outfits. There were these adorable jack o' lantern sweatsuits on sale. We picked out a size we thought might fit. Just about a month later they were born and gone and the sweatsuits stuffed in a bin that went straight to the attic.

That bin was pulled out when M was born because it had the very few baby things we kept. I've debated what to do with those pumpkin sweatsuits. When it came down to it I wanted a cute picture of M to share with friends and family. Those sweatsuits were M's size...there was part of me that wanted to keep them in the bin. Then the thought popped in to my head...if my twins had lived M would wear their hand-me-downs. Why not let him wear one of the sweatsuits? After all, it is an unworn hand-me-down. And when it comes down to it, seeing my living son brought me (and my family and friends) more joy than pain.

Seriously...M is one adorable little pumpkin!

Amazing, Tired, Content

Three words that sum up life with Maxwell. During the wee hours when I am nursing him I think of all the things that I would like to share...but it often disappears into the haze of my exhaustion!

Maxwell is doing fabulous especially for arriving 6 weeks early. He nurses well and I am pushing my way through almost hourly feedings (can you say growth spurt!) an watching in awe as he changes daily.

My 5lb baby has doubled in size in his precious 8 weeks of life. I have started packing away his newborn clothing an remembering how it wasnt that long ago that (mere weeks) that he was swimming in these now snug outfits!

I am grateful that I am on maternity leave and can watch first hand all of his growth. We are currently evaluating the impact of me taking the whole school year off. I am ready panicking about going back...I don't want to miss a second and my brain is complete mush with lack of sleep and I can't imagine teaching in this state! I know it will get better but there will still be times where sleep doesn't happen (growth spurts, teething, illness, etc).

Basically, in spite of the lack of sleep, life feels good! I have the occasional teary moment contemplating what life could have been like with William and Ethan but mostly we are all smiles.

Here's a peek at what makes my heart sing!