Hand-me-down Halloween and a Hurricane

My the time is flying! M keeps my days full and only recently have I had the energy to stay up past putting him to bed around 8pm.

Our local Halloween celebrations have been postponed due to Hurricane Sandy. I live in NJ just to the west of NYC and we are EXTREMELY lucky. We have power when millions do not, we didn't have flooding because we are just enough inland and very few limbs fell off our trees. I feel so very fortunate and absolutely heart broken for those who have lost so much. We have vacationed with friends at the shore for the last several years (except this year due to M's arrival) and so many places are destroyed beyond recognition.

I also lived in NYC for many years and its whereI met my Brooklynite husband...and it too has been ravaged by Sandy. The stories of loss, devastation and helplessness have brought me to my knees. If I didn't have Maxwell to care for I would be there doing whatever I could. Instead I am putting my money where my hands can't help.

It's been a week of ups and downs...on one hand every day with M brings me so much joy, punctuated by heartache of what I see Sandy has done and living through another holiday without William & Ethan.

Just after Halloween two years ago I went shopping with my Mom. I was pregnant with my twins and Mom was determined to buy them their first Halloween outfits. There were these adorable jack o' lantern sweatsuits on sale. We picked out a size we thought might fit. Just about a month later they were born and gone and the sweatsuits stuffed in a bin that went straight to the attic.

That bin was pulled out when M was born because it had the very few baby things we kept. I've debated what to do with those pumpkin sweatsuits. When it came down to it I wanted a cute picture of M to share with friends and family. Those sweatsuits were M's size...there was part of me that wanted to keep them in the bin. Then the thought popped in to my head...if my twins had lived M would wear their hand-me-downs. Why not let him wear one of the sweatsuits? After all, it is an unworn hand-me-down. And when it comes down to it, seeing my living son brought me (and my family and friends) more joy than pain.

Seriously...M is one adorable little pumpkin!

Amazing, Tired, Content

Three words that sum up life with Maxwell. During the wee hours when I am nursing him I think of all the things that I would like to share...but it often disappears into the haze of my exhaustion!

Maxwell is doing fabulous especially for arriving 6 weeks early. He nurses well and I am pushing my way through almost hourly feedings (can you say growth spurt!) an watching in awe as he changes daily.

My 5lb baby has doubled in size in his precious 8 weeks of life. I have started packing away his newborn clothing an remembering how it wasnt that long ago that (mere weeks) that he was swimming in these now snug outfits!

I am grateful that I am on maternity leave and can watch first hand all of his growth. We are currently evaluating the impact of me taking the whole school year off. I am ready panicking about going back...I don't want to miss a second and my brain is complete mush with lack of sleep and I can't imagine teaching in this state! I know it will get better but there will still be times where sleep doesn't happen (growth spurts, teething, illness, etc).

Basically, in spite of the lack of sleep, life feels good! I have the occasional teary moment contemplating what life could have been like with William and Ethan but mostly we are all smiles.

Here's a peek at what makes my heart sing!

Maxwell is home!!!

The past two weeks have been a whirl wind of visits to Maxwell in NICU, the joy of bringing him home this past Wednesday and caring for him ever since. It has been exhausting, wonderful and everything I have wanted!

I am feeling so lucky on a variety of levels...I have my sweet boy at home, he is pretty easy going, he has a reasonable eating schedule as a result of life in the NICU and is way better at breastfeeding than I am! Basically not only is he a dream come true but he is a dream baby to care for...I know that could change at any moment but the last four days have been amazing.

I could gush on and on but really... The photos speak for themselves.

My joy

Maxwell is doing well in the NICU but there are tiny hiccoughs in his progress (jaundice, not gaining weight). I absolutely am not complaining because so many others who have experienced much scarier things. I have learned in the last 6 days that my expectations and hopes of bringing Maxwell home sooner rather than later take the backseat compared to doing what is best for my Lil man.

I thought i would share some pictures of my joy!!!

Hello baby!

Yesterday my doctor decided it was time to bring Speck into the world! The induction went reasonably well (birth story to follow at a later date) and my beautiful baby boy made it safely in to my arms. Hearing his cry was the most beautiful, heart-lifting sound I have ever heard...I was crying as much as he was!

After much debate, and the suggestion of one of the NICU nurses in attendance at the delivery, we used our top two choices to name our adorable Maxwell Alexander. He has quite a bit of dark hair, a dimple on on his right check that turns me in to goo every single time I see it and makes hilarious faces already.

For being exactly 34 weeks, Maxwell weighed in at 5lbs 1oz and was 18 1/2" long. He's a small fry (for now) but I dread the idea of how large he could have been if I made it to full term! Right now Maxwell is in the NICU and will be there for a bit. He didn't need oxygen support and hasn't needed feeding support so far. He is jaundiced and needs a course of antibiotics since my water broke 2 1/2 weeks ago. Those two factors will keep him in NICU for at least 3 days. I'm guessing a minimum of a week but only time will tell.

My heart is so much lighter and at the same time I miss William and Ethan so much more. This is an interesting place to be...and unlike anything I could have imagined. I yearn for what could have been while falling head over heels in love with what I have. I thought that all of these feelings would conflict but they just are and feel somewhat unrelated.

Any way you look at it, Maxwell has captured my heart!!!

Eviction Notice

Speck has received his eviction notice from my doctor...I will be induced sometime this coming weekend. Being a planner it is nice to know then when, but not knowing the specifics is making me a little stir crazy! I know the timing depends on the available beds in labor & delivery, my doctor's availability (active labor trumps my induction) and other factors I can't imagine at this point. What's important is he is going to be born this weekend!!! Sunday would be fun because it's my Dad's birthday (and a few other friends as well).

I have been doing my best not to completely freak out. This is scary stuff, even if Speck wasn't going to be premature. There is a PTSD creeping in with a flood of memories of William and Ethan's delivery. Then there is the fear of something going wrong for Speck either during or after delivery. And let us not forget my fear of being induced and all the craziness that can happen there...labor progressing slowly and lasting an eternity which could lead to a c-section or on the flip side labor progressing rapidly with crazy intense contractions. I still, without a doubt, feel that I'll do anything to make sure Speck gets here safe and sound.

Yesterday I got to take a field
trip to the NICU...hooray for leaving my room for the first time in 16 days! It did ease my mind a little to see it (I am not in the hospitals where my twins were born or where E spent a day in NICU) but it brought back more memories that choked me up and later brought on a the tears. I think the hardest part was wheeling by (I am not allowed to walk further than my bathroom so I was in a wheelchair) a bassinet with a decorated name tag that said Ethan. I couldn't actually see the baby inside, but it was a punch to the chest just the same. It is amazing how fast and furious grief and memories come flooding back.

While I wait (anxiously, nervously)for Speck I am trying to focus on the love and excitement and less on the scary
stuff.

He'll be here soon...holy cow!!!

33+1

I am coming up on two weeks of bring in the hospital and bed rest isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Thankfully Speck has been able to stay put and continue to grow to give him every possible advantage when he does finally get here. I also love having three NSTs a day ...nothing in the world sounds better to me than that galloping heartbeat!

I do know that some time in the next 2-3 weeks Speck will be here. That is such a mind boggler! Obviously I much prefer he spend as much time baking as possible, but if we make it to 35 weeks I'll be induced and that kind of freaks me out. My "birth plan" went out the window when my water broke but preference is still for a natural, spontaneous birth. What trumps everything is Speck's well being so if that means induction or c-section then so be it.

Since my water broke so early I am no where close to being ready for Speck's arrival. Well thats not 100% true. We do have a car seat, we ordered a stroller and it arrived, my parents brought down a refinished cradle that was mine and last week I ordered a custom mattress for it. The crib is out of the attic (a hand-me-down from my sister in law) but no mattress or sheets, no clothing other than the two take home outfits I bought, no diapers, no bathing supplies...luckily you don't need very much for a newborn, but some things are essential!

My darling hubby and my family (in town for a visit last week) have been wonderful about getting Speck's future room cleared out so it can be set up (it is our old office).

So much to do and so little time!